I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
