I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
