and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
