Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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