yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My bed smells like the plague
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
