Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
