You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
