...so i touched it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
