I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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