Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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