You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
