is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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