I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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