So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
