giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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