apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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