You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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