thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize