just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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