I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
