we're chasing vodka with high fives
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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