I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
