the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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