Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
