Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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