Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
