I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
