Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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