You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
