Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you never un-have a 4some
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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