I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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