Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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