i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
