Cold hands, warm shart.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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