You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
