I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
