If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
