I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize