my phone needs a breathalizer
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
