Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize