Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
