worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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