now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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