Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
