I want to have your abortion
I puked a lego.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
