Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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