Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
