Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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