I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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