PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
