I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
