im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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