I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
