its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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