He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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