At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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