Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
