this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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