i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
