I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
