I think I won the penis lottery.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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