You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
