at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
