Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
