I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
