She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
