ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
