I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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