Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
