She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
