And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize