For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
