why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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